All that the last five months left me with

If I compare the self of me in the last five months, differences are striking. Five months back (after my majors) everything left me numb, empty from inside(though the reason was not clear to me nor did I had time to think over it). I was alone because there was no one near me I wanted to be with. My best friend was not talking to me ,his not being there was not letting me peace, the other best friend of mine was too near to my heart or I am more near to her heart because I can never be the friend to her what she is for me but she was away from me with miles of distance taking toil. The third one was there but some how I wanted to be alone in my emptiness, I wanted no one to influence it neither I wanted anybody to be influenced by it. May be it was the too hectic schedule that left me like this or whatever but I was not tired. I was feeling emotions dying within me .I was too well preserved in this small world of mine that “these three” gave me and didn’t even wanted to think of anybody stepping in my so-called circle. This was not self centeredness but a quest with my own self. I can never trace moments when a ‘company loving creature’ became like this.
But the irony was already ready, things don’t last forever, yeah it’s true. The coming five months were to witness a breakthrough shattering of this time.
My so-called little world witnessed the entrance of a new life and I permitted it and got attracted towards a change after repelling it like anything. I started living in this new phase and slowly and eventually I started loving my changed little innocent world. It was the centre of all happiness for me. There were downfalls and clashes here too but I preserved everything, because all this became the love of my life and I was ready to do anything for it’s members. One or the other pillars of my world kept shaking but I was always there guarding and protecting it. I have never been more grateful to my life .It gave me life and my smiles again.
But yet again the other irony was also ready. Those five months are by far over now and I am experiencing yet another moment way too different from the starting one with immense ability to be differentiated very well with the above mentioned ,the emptiness of my self has been replaced by a heaviness, it is way too heavy to bear. I want to be in my world and it is there with me(though it won’t be the same in time to come, I suppose), too and too near despite the toil of distance. I don’t want to be alone, I want my heaviness to be influenced ( but again it should not influence them).
I have committed mistakes, I have made a game of the innocent sense of my feelings, I am suffering and I want to because that’s the only way out of it. I never expected that but I have done it. I have a strong intuition that my world will change because of me, I will loose the most cherished and loved part of it and I have lost all rights to hold it. It is like a terrifying dream and I am living it now.
I have been trying all possible ways to lighten my heart with ultimately reaching the zenith of my thought which says ‘’ whatever it is ,accept it’’ abbreviated as ‘’jjt’’(jo hai,jaisa hai,theek hai) taught to me by one the pillars of my world. It is helping ,how much ,is a bit difficult to judge ,but yes it helps.