The silly mind and the innocent self

This silly mind,
It makes us long and long endlessly
It achieves and makes us the happiest

But then it again starts to play
It again makes the poor us its prey
It makes us loose what we always wanted to hold
It makes us find faults in what we have
It makes us feel right for loosing it

But it kills our happiness and contentment
It makes us hate our selves
It makes us all aloof from all smiles

Then it again plays the dice
It starts taking pity on us
It makes us accidentally stand in front of what we lost
It gives us the feeling of having it again
And the innocent us again believe it
Because to the poor us nothing looks more important
Than the joy of having it again
It makes us forget all that happened for a while

But this hidden game of mind gets exposed
And the victims are again the poor us
Though not by the mind this time
But by the possession with which we were playing
Which can’t stand our game anymore
And snatches itself away from us
And we have no right to question anything now
We are left alone with our silly mind

It is again influencing me and I am getting influenced
Though I don’t want to be a victim anymore
Now I want it to be a prey in my hands, in the hands of my self
I want my smiles to challenge it
I want to yell and tell it that I am not weak
I don’t want my innocent self to be a looser to it again
I don’t want the fear of falling again in front of it
I want to fight with it for snatching a lot from me…..

That is wat they call research.......re-re-re-re.....search!!

N am stuck in it!!

Recently watched the movie "Life in a metro", over and all can be called a good movie if one sees the different aspects of relations it shows with love ,truth, loyalty,trust on one hand and emptiness, meaningless existence on the other. Music is good to last for quite some long time.One of the lines from the movie,
"Rishtey to nhi, rishton ki parchaaiyaan milli, ye kaisi bheed hai bas yahan tanhaayeaan milli......"

All that the last five months left me with

If I compare the self of me in the last five months, differences are striking. Five months back (after my majors) everything left me numb, empty from inside(though the reason was not clear to me nor did I had time to think over it). I was alone because there was no one near me I wanted to be with. My best friend was not talking to me ,his not being there was not letting me peace, the other best friend of mine was too near to my heart or I am more near to her heart because I can never be the friend to her what she is for me but she was away from me with miles of distance taking toil. The third one was there but some how I wanted to be alone in my emptiness, I wanted no one to influence it neither I wanted anybody to be influenced by it. May be it was the too hectic schedule that left me like this or whatever but I was not tired. I was feeling emotions dying within me .I was too well preserved in this small world of mine that “these three” gave me and didn’t even wanted to think of anybody stepping in my so-called circle. This was not self centeredness but a quest with my own self. I can never trace moments when a ‘company loving creature’ became like this.
But the irony was already ready, things don’t last forever, yeah it’s true. The coming five months were to witness a breakthrough shattering of this time.
My so-called little world witnessed the entrance of a new life and I permitted it and got attracted towards a change after repelling it like anything. I started living in this new phase and slowly and eventually I started loving my changed little innocent world. It was the centre of all happiness for me. There were downfalls and clashes here too but I preserved everything, because all this became the love of my life and I was ready to do anything for it’s members. One or the other pillars of my world kept shaking but I was always there guarding and protecting it. I have never been more grateful to my life .It gave me life and my smiles again.
But yet again the other irony was also ready. Those five months are by far over now and I am experiencing yet another moment way too different from the starting one with immense ability to be differentiated very well with the above mentioned ,the emptiness of my self has been replaced by a heaviness, it is way too heavy to bear. I want to be in my world and it is there with me(though it won’t be the same in time to come, I suppose), too and too near despite the toil of distance. I don’t want to be alone, I want my heaviness to be influenced ( but again it should not influence them).
I have committed mistakes, I have made a game of the innocent sense of my feelings, I am suffering and I want to because that’s the only way out of it. I never expected that but I have done it. I have a strong intuition that my world will change because of me, I will loose the most cherished and loved part of it and I have lost all rights to hold it. It is like a terrifying dream and I am living it now.
I have been trying all possible ways to lighten my heart with ultimately reaching the zenith of my thought which says ‘’ whatever it is ,accept it’’ abbreviated as ‘’jjt’’(jo hai,jaisa hai,theek hai) taught to me by one the pillars of my world. It is helping ,how much ,is a bit difficult to judge ,but yes it helps.

I always keep mum when my friends boast about their dad,

because I know they are fighting to decide the second best!!

High on :)

My mood is in an extraordinary state of happiness today
Extraordinary , because I am feeling it after quite a long time

I can see reflection of my smile and my happiness all around me
Be it in the pleasant showers hitting me
Be it in the little drops of water on leaves
Be it in the faces all around me

I don’t know the reason and I don't even want to give it a damm right now
Because I am loving it like hell ,that’s the only thing I know right now

I am high on life or to be more precise life is high on me
I can feel a little fear also springing up because all this is definitely momentary
Whatever it is, I wanna enjoy it till it lasts :)

Beetein Lamhein
Dard mein bhi ye lab muskuraa jaate hain
Beetein lamhein humein jab bhi yaad aate hain
Chand lamhon ke vaaste hi sahi
Muskura kar mili thi mujhe zindagi

Tere kaandhe pe sar ko jhukaana mera
Teri baahon mein khud ko chupana mera
Aake teri panaahon mein shaamon sehar
Kaanch ki tarah wo toot jaana mera

Aaj bhi jab vo pal mujhko yaad aate hain
Dil se saare gamon ko bhula jaate hain
Dard mein bhi ye lab muskuraa jaate hain
Beetein lamhein humein jab bhi yaad aate hain

Good Morning :)

Yesterday evening witnessed a pleasant rainfall after a long time
I enjoyed my long and lonely walk
Everything looked as if made for me
Because this rain intermingled and hid the other
The one which didn’t come from the clouds.

A DREAM HOLIDAY :)

I often wonder whenever I hear the words
"love is everlasting."
"Two couples ready to die for each other."
"Thousands of promises made for the coming years"
“Their company and being with each other was something pre-decided."
"It’s all a question of finding who has being made for you."
"They will be together forever."
"Love grows each moment."

I know this is all genuine, no offence indeed to these feelings, even I appreciate it all whenever there is a thing called TRUTH n TRUST in a relation.

But deep down within my heart a thought always springs up…………Isn’t all this a mere question of whom you met first in life, sequence of events shaped up and you are together today with a faith that this togetherness will be everlasting. A different someone, a different sequence, a different stage would have been there if the first one would not have occurred or will be there if the so-called "the first" shatters. Who after all has seen the future or what it may have in store which we didn’t even think of because all has once occurred and looks PERFECT.

Is it all really perfection or sheer luck of life at the first incidence that took place.

I also believe that love is beautiful, true, calm, pure but than what about these thoughts.

One can never deny the fact that all will be there till the course of even don’t take a reverse turn, a single instant (on part of anyone of the two) can blow away everything, then where is the thing called LOVE(the ever growing one), a long association, how could it be everlasting if everything goes in vain in front of this "single instant".

Is this me!!!!!!!


At one point I am dying for my close friends
I am dying for the 3 of us effect
At other point I want to run away from them
At one point I am afraid, terrified of being alone
At other point I am not even liking anybody even sitting in my eye’s vicinity
At one point I want to be in the arms of my Mom
At other point I don’t even want to pick up the phone
At one point I want to talk for hours with my best friend
At other point I just feel like throwing the phone down
At one point I want I am happy of dreaming about future , making plans
At other point it all looks so vague, as if it can never occur
At one point I feel as if I am the happiest person on Earth
At other point I am down to the bottom
At one point some of my thoughts, my feelings are the most close to my heart
At other point I want to set them loose
Why Why is this so??
And these points are not mere points ,they are instants one closely approaching the other
I want an answer
But wen?
But where?
But how?
By whom?
I simply don’t know!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this me or is this the call for a change!?