Between the tough placement season going on in IIT and all my dear friends busy with that , I flung to a far part of India, Guwahati to attend a conference meant for the students and by the students. More than just an academic trip, it was much more than that. A chance to interact with different people yet so similar in many respects (afterall all iitians are) and also some senior grads from Germany. The first part was the lecture we were supposed to deliver, mine dealt with blood flow simulation on a cell processor designed by IBM. So it was all interdisciplinary and a very new thing for me and above all beyond my routine acads. The most amazing aspect of this technology that in order to speed up simulations , special cell processor have been derived from playstations employed by youngsters to speed up gaming power( and they have eventually turned out to be more powerful than supercomputers of this age). Hence it was all very interesting and I cracked the lecture. Then comes Guwahati and particularly Assam, a very different state from where I live that is the far eastern part of India. The culture, its ethnicity is all very different and we witnessed all that when we went around visiting two temples. The place that is IIT Guwahati is undoubtedly the most beautiful of all iits. The place has every inch of what is called the scenic beauty. The academy also arranged cruise trips for us which was another thrill to step out from conference rooms and detailed technical discussions. The experience provided us everything from learning ( yeah I mean it :D) to a holiday. Such kind of conference is the first of it’s kind where students that is young undergrads deliver lectures and profs listen. The people i.e. mainly the co-iitians of host iit were amazing( hats off the hospitality we received). Above all went good and ended good.

On a bright sunny day I started staring on the ground where the sunshine was spreading its glitter. I continued staring at that serene glow, so bright yet so soothing; an amazing peace was there, something I wanted for a while since so many days. Life is really amazing, brings its treasures in forms you can’t even imagine sometimes.

A tryst with the self

The road of life stands in front
Stands long, sometimes dark, at other times bright

I am all by myself, walking on it
The people I have, around me a lot

Some who love me, care for me
Some who want to get rid of me

Some whom I love, and smile due to them
Some whom I have lost, and regret at life due to them

But at the bottom line it’s definitely a lonely road
I have seen heights of friendship, love, pain, hatred

Past is now both sour and beautiful
Present is where I am and future is a struggle

My heart cries, aches, longs for things that I have lost
But my mind is struggling to get rid of the things that have ceased to exist

I was blessed to have to have all I possess today and also what I have left over
A belief is more firm today than it was ever

That whatever happens ,happens for some good and due to all we deserve.

Recently I read the book “Who moved my cheese?”. An overall nice book with an amazing effort to touch the most complex side of life with an amazing simplicity………the ability to see changes, to deal with them , to adapt to them and to move in life seeing them occurring. Changes occur in everybody’s life and they are bound to occur else we might become extinct if life was always to be the same routine, monotonic. We have to learn to welcome any change with a smile if it is beautiful and with courage to face it if it comes with a sour note. We become aware of our hidden perspectives only when something occurs against our will. One must move ahead keeping his/her basic values and ethics intact. It’s always better to adapt rather than just quitting everything if it goes on a wrong track. Every change can be turned to a smile, depends on only how we face it.

Come ,what may!!

I have changed and I am changing
And all this being recieved by my self with a welcome smile

Watever happens , happens for some gud
And I want that watever only be it gud or bad but it should for a gud

My faiths and beliefs hav changed but but they hav not died
And are still holding me in their tight arms

My dreams are changing and a hope in them has increased
A realization that happiness is in today is in a great realization today

A trust in things I love is stil the basis of my being

Whatever pain I recieve is what all I deserve
And in the midst of this pain my past has a lot to turn tears to smiles

I feel bounded to things that I don't even have today
And things that I boast of leaving are still within me

it's all a new scenario........a totally new one
but than nothing is stagnant for all
so a new one is bound to happen......

"Forever" is a mere fairy tale.....

If life can’t be as promising as you dreamt it to be, accept it then too and try to be happy the way life wants you to be after all happiness is not a thing to be snatched at any cost.
Tomorrow may be worse than today after all who has seen it.

In the silence of the beautiful night,
I slept carefree in wondrous delight,
In the morning of the summer spring,
I could hear my placid heart sing,
In the midst of the engaging day,
I smelled the happiness right away,
Watchin the charm of quiet twilight,
I saw the colors of joy so bright,
And then as the tired sun dropped dead,
I felt the comfort from toe to head,
Up again rose the starry night,
I sensed happiness hold me tight,
and all the while from dusk to dawn,
and then to dusk and on and on,
I nibbled the joy that life delivers,
for comes the warmth, come shall the shivers.

A Wait

Unsaid words wait for a depth to fill
Unshed tears wait for a tide and a sea to mingle
Unshared emotions wait for a mirror to reflect

Less traveled paths wait for souls to walk again
Memories unforgettable wait for moments to become alive again
A Boulevard of broken dreams waits for hands to make a home again.

Changed times

Arrival of new freshers in hostel has always been a welcome thing to look after. But things have changed because administration at IIT Delhi doesn’t want to continue trends now because they think that the so-called interaction( don’t mistaken with ragging) harasses them , don’t let them study , spoil their grades. As if we are stupid enough to waste our time to come and interact with them when there are lot many better things to do in life. Today evening only, I was just asking the name of my dept batch mates from a fresher who are supposedly her fourth year seniors and I asked her to go and look on the notice board and learn the names. And to my wonder , some 2^nd yearites told me that she is crying near the notice board. I was shocked and felt a little sad for her that she might be nervous and took her out with me for ice-cream. But she was quite opposite to what I thought and gave me some good back answers also when I was trying to explain her how to cope with the system here. But I chilled her out and brought her back .And as I stepped in the hostel , proc team was already there scolding my friends that we were taking intros by making the freshers stand and this is harassment………what bullshit was this. This is what we get being in 4^th yr. We brought chocolates for these so nice juniors of ours to make them feel some affinity towards us and all we get is amazing blow of back answers and not even a little respect. This is what the system wants ,to turn them into complete strangers in a place where we live like siblings. We didn’t want to stake our degrees and so listened calmly to the proc team and she said what not to us. Who is she to scold us like this when we bear so much of the profs at IIT Delhi including abusive languages. All was enough for a day and we decided not to come back to interact with this kind of atmosphere. Things have changed a lot and this transition period will definitely be difficult to cope up with.

Finally back to my life, after spending two months on a hectic intern( a nice one though) and some time at home , I am back to IIT. Apna dilli rocks any day as compared to any city I have seen so far. I missed this place so much, met all my close friends, went to subway ,mejbaan , Nescafe ,hanged out at windt, did a lot of arbit masti in hostel , met freshers and juniors…….quite a lot for a single day n all rocks. Life truly lies here and I am really happy to be back though days ahead look a little monotonous being still in pre-final year but anyway this is the best life could offer at present !! :)

My mom had a very good friend since a long time. She died a year back due to blood cancer. She always had a particular affection towards me , may be because she didn’t had a girl child of her own. She used to bring gifts for me on my birthdays or when ever I used to get good marks. Today mom handed over to me an envelope with some cash in it and said that her husband visited mom dad on the day of my birthday(2 months back, when I was not at home) and asked to deliver them it to me so that I can buy myself a present of my like. Things rolled back in front of my eyes. She died a death with last years full of agony and pain. Every moment took life from her. And her own children stopped taking sufficient care of her when doctors told that she may not live for long now. She always sacrificed her own happiness for the sake of a better future of her children. Only uncle was with her, for him she was life and hope for life. And today he stands alone with her love still alive ,he doesn’t like to live with his sons because of the indifferent attitude they showed towards their parents when they needed them the most. Aunty was a great person , great at heart which was one reason I used to like her a lot. I feel sad for both of them because both could not live life the way they wanted.

Life is like that only. We should never sacrifice little joys and small moments that life keeps offering in the midst of tensions of future, after all who has seen future, so that whenever an end comes , we can at least depart life with contentment of having lived fully whatever it could offer.

Could or would have beens!!

How it would have been if we could have known in advance that to what level of continuum a particular phase in life would lead to so that relative magnitude of importance attached to it could also have been weighted and similarly weighted would have been it’s consequence??

Just got up after having a good sleep on Saturday morning to compensate for less than normal sleep during the weekdays, I opened my mailbox and saw a mail form North Western University about their new research and it was shocking. They, after a 3 yr long research, find out that sleep cannot be compensated or covered up by sleeping more on a particular day. Thus if we are toiling for 5 weekdays with 3-4 hrs sleep per day with a hope that there is a weekend ahead ,we are definitely living in a make believe world. Scientists there also said that the power nap of half an hour or so that we are normally so fond does not add anyway to our efficiency. A normal sleeping schedule is a must and nothing can replace for it, if we are playing with it, we are definitely sending an invite to hell lot of cardiovascular diseases. I can find myself comparing and contrasting the words of my Grandma ,”Mere bachche ,jab tak dhang se neend nhi poori karoge, koi kaam kaise dhang se poora karoge” and the night out schedule that I and most of the people of my genre live upon. Is the American schedule of toiling endlessly for four and a half days a week and a longer weekend better or the Indian one of working for six days a week ?

As if I care

This one line always fascinates me a lot , and I feel like running towards it to incorporate it in my life. I sometimes feel a strong urge to say

“As if I care, as if I ever cared, as if I will ever”,

or leaving the past tense ,

”As if I care, as if I will ever”.

But the real struggle comes when I have to find such a thing. It’s amazingly difficult for me to trace out a single thing which can fit in these three or two lines with honesty at 100%.When things cross a level of frustration in my life, my mind drifts to these lines, and I start trying my hands again. Believe me feeling such or trying to feel the lack of care attitude is amazing. If you are down , it can control your tears , at least for some time I can assure because for me it does . But sadly till date it has been momentarily only, I try and set myself aloof from situation I want to ,accept it as it is and experience a lot comfort by not giving any damn to it. But all this kinda feeling melts after sometime. I again start thinking about making things better, searching for a little hope to correct all wrong. I again start thinking about life around me, about everything be it from things close to me to all crap also.

I am not keeping well since past few days and yesterday only being too down with fever I was just lying down in my bed and didn’t even wanted to look at the phone and I did that for few hours. And again this careless attitude was enchanting but alas as always it was again in it’s time domain only. After some time I received a call from a close friend of mine, chatted and cracked all kind of funny jokes with him and I started feeling better, that crazy fantasy of ignoring things flew away, after that I talked on phone with others also even though my head was heavy with dozes of sleepy medicines. I feel lucky to have people who understand me a lot and sad for people who might have been the same (be it in a very small measure only) had things didn’t happened the way the happened. I again start trying my crazy ignoring tricks on the treasures I have lost but even there too it doesn’t work for long.
“There are some footsteps which can never be blown away by the wind ,no matter how strong it is.”
And my road is filled with them. They can get faded but that can’t be called ignorance.
It’s not the evil spirit of me that you might be thinking of, it’s just something that drive my nerves, after all trying new things always gives a new taste. What say!!

The Ultimate Truth

Life is really lived in small moments only

so live life at it's full and enjoy till it lasts :)!!

It’s raining cats and dogs here and despite being prone to cold I am loving it. A sweet little friend of mine comes out again and again from her dwelling these days ,holds my hand and requests me to play with her in these lovely showers which to me look as serene and as pure as she is. I enjoy my walk from home to office and back and I can feel my feet getting slower and slower as my place arrives. I can feel her struggling with my hands forcing me to turn back. I love the chilly wind blowing all the time and the shivering sensation it arouses within me. For a moment I want to shout at the motor drivers who splash water on the people walking but she stops me and I can see her enjoying that too. She advises me to stand and stare around, trees, flowers, leaves all look amazing, all wet and covered with a sheet of beauty. I enjoy her company a lot. Who wants to grow anyway, I wish I can be of her age so that I can enjoy in full flow with her, be what she wants me to be, share the same carefree attitude that she bears. I love her a lot because she is simple ,pure and innocent at heart.

This is the little child within me and she dwells within me. She exposes the little joys of life which I hid under the cover of age, shows how incomplete my life is without her. She explains me that life is always beautiful ,it’s only how we see it’s reveals to me the simple thoughts which are equally important and so adorable while living in the complexity all around. God bless my sweet little friend :).

The silly mind and the innocent self

This silly mind,
It makes us long and long endlessly
It achieves and makes us the happiest

But then it again starts to play
It again makes the poor us its prey
It makes us loose what we always wanted to hold
It makes us find faults in what we have
It makes us feel right for loosing it

But it kills our happiness and contentment
It makes us hate our selves
It makes us all aloof from all smiles

Then it again plays the dice
It starts taking pity on us
It makes us accidentally stand in front of what we lost
It gives us the feeling of having it again
And the innocent us again believe it
Because to the poor us nothing looks more important
Than the joy of having it again
It makes us forget all that happened for a while

But this hidden game of mind gets exposed
And the victims are again the poor us
Though not by the mind this time
But by the possession with which we were playing
Which can’t stand our game anymore
And snatches itself away from us
And we have no right to question anything now
We are left alone with our silly mind

It is again influencing me and I am getting influenced
Though I don’t want to be a victim anymore
Now I want it to be a prey in my hands, in the hands of my self
I want my smiles to challenge it
I want to yell and tell it that I am not weak
I don’t want my innocent self to be a looser to it again
I don’t want the fear of falling again in front of it
I want to fight with it for snatching a lot from me…..

That is wat they call research.......re-re-re-re.....search!!

N am stuck in it!!

Recently watched the movie "Life in a metro", over and all can be called a good movie if one sees the different aspects of relations it shows with love ,truth, loyalty,trust on one hand and emptiness, meaningless existence on the other. Music is good to last for quite some long time.One of the lines from the movie,
"Rishtey to nhi, rishton ki parchaaiyaan milli, ye kaisi bheed hai bas yahan tanhaayeaan milli......"

All that the last five months left me with

If I compare the self of me in the last five months, differences are striking. Five months back (after my majors) everything left me numb, empty from inside(though the reason was not clear to me nor did I had time to think over it). I was alone because there was no one near me I wanted to be with. My best friend was not talking to me ,his not being there was not letting me peace, the other best friend of mine was too near to my heart or I am more near to her heart because I can never be the friend to her what she is for me but she was away from me with miles of distance taking toil. The third one was there but some how I wanted to be alone in my emptiness, I wanted no one to influence it neither I wanted anybody to be influenced by it. May be it was the too hectic schedule that left me like this or whatever but I was not tired. I was feeling emotions dying within me .I was too well preserved in this small world of mine that “these three” gave me and didn’t even wanted to think of anybody stepping in my so-called circle. This was not self centeredness but a quest with my own self. I can never trace moments when a ‘company loving creature’ became like this.
But the irony was already ready, things don’t last forever, yeah it’s true. The coming five months were to witness a breakthrough shattering of this time.
My so-called little world witnessed the entrance of a new life and I permitted it and got attracted towards a change after repelling it like anything. I started living in this new phase and slowly and eventually I started loving my changed little innocent world. It was the centre of all happiness for me. There were downfalls and clashes here too but I preserved everything, because all this became the love of my life and I was ready to do anything for it’s members. One or the other pillars of my world kept shaking but I was always there guarding and protecting it. I have never been more grateful to my life .It gave me life and my smiles again.
But yet again the other irony was also ready. Those five months are by far over now and I am experiencing yet another moment way too different from the starting one with immense ability to be differentiated very well with the above mentioned ,the emptiness of my self has been replaced by a heaviness, it is way too heavy to bear. I want to be in my world and it is there with me(though it won’t be the same in time to come, I suppose), too and too near despite the toil of distance. I don’t want to be alone, I want my heaviness to be influenced ( but again it should not influence them).
I have committed mistakes, I have made a game of the innocent sense of my feelings, I am suffering and I want to because that’s the only way out of it. I never expected that but I have done it. I have a strong intuition that my world will change because of me, I will loose the most cherished and loved part of it and I have lost all rights to hold it. It is like a terrifying dream and I am living it now.
I have been trying all possible ways to lighten my heart with ultimately reaching the zenith of my thought which says ‘’ whatever it is ,accept it’’ abbreviated as ‘’jjt’’(jo hai,jaisa hai,theek hai) taught to me by one the pillars of my world. It is helping ,how much ,is a bit difficult to judge ,but yes it helps.

I always keep mum when my friends boast about their dad,

because I know they are fighting to decide the second best!!

High on :)

My mood is in an extraordinary state of happiness today
Extraordinary , because I am feeling it after quite a long time

I can see reflection of my smile and my happiness all around me
Be it in the pleasant showers hitting me
Be it in the little drops of water on leaves
Be it in the faces all around me

I don’t know the reason and I don't even want to give it a damm right now
Because I am loving it like hell ,that’s the only thing I know right now

I am high on life or to be more precise life is high on me
I can feel a little fear also springing up because all this is definitely momentary
Whatever it is, I wanna enjoy it till it lasts :)

Beetein Lamhein
Dard mein bhi ye lab muskuraa jaate hain
Beetein lamhein humein jab bhi yaad aate hain
Chand lamhon ke vaaste hi sahi
Muskura kar mili thi mujhe zindagi

Tere kaandhe pe sar ko jhukaana mera
Teri baahon mein khud ko chupana mera
Aake teri panaahon mein shaamon sehar
Kaanch ki tarah wo toot jaana mera

Aaj bhi jab vo pal mujhko yaad aate hain
Dil se saare gamon ko bhula jaate hain
Dard mein bhi ye lab muskuraa jaate hain
Beetein lamhein humein jab bhi yaad aate hain

Good Morning :)

Yesterday evening witnessed a pleasant rainfall after a long time
I enjoyed my long and lonely walk
Everything looked as if made for me
Because this rain intermingled and hid the other
The one which didn’t come from the clouds.

A DREAM HOLIDAY :)

I often wonder whenever I hear the words
"love is everlasting."
"Two couples ready to die for each other."
"Thousands of promises made for the coming years"
“Their company and being with each other was something pre-decided."
"It’s all a question of finding who has being made for you."
"They will be together forever."
"Love grows each moment."

I know this is all genuine, no offence indeed to these feelings, even I appreciate it all whenever there is a thing called TRUTH n TRUST in a relation.

But deep down within my heart a thought always springs up…………Isn’t all this a mere question of whom you met first in life, sequence of events shaped up and you are together today with a faith that this togetherness will be everlasting. A different someone, a different sequence, a different stage would have been there if the first one would not have occurred or will be there if the so-called "the first" shatters. Who after all has seen the future or what it may have in store which we didn’t even think of because all has once occurred and looks PERFECT.

Is it all really perfection or sheer luck of life at the first incidence that took place.

I also believe that love is beautiful, true, calm, pure but than what about these thoughts.

One can never deny the fact that all will be there till the course of even don’t take a reverse turn, a single instant (on part of anyone of the two) can blow away everything, then where is the thing called LOVE(the ever growing one), a long association, how could it be everlasting if everything goes in vain in front of this "single instant".

Is this me!!!!!!!


At one point I am dying for my close friends
I am dying for the 3 of us effect
At other point I want to run away from them
At one point I am afraid, terrified of being alone
At other point I am not even liking anybody even sitting in my eye’s vicinity
At one point I want to be in the arms of my Mom
At other point I don’t even want to pick up the phone
At one point I want to talk for hours with my best friend
At other point I just feel like throwing the phone down
At one point I want I am happy of dreaming about future , making plans
At other point it all looks so vague, as if it can never occur
At one point I feel as if I am the happiest person on Earth
At other point I am down to the bottom
At one point some of my thoughts, my feelings are the most close to my heart
At other point I want to set them loose
Why Why is this so??
And these points are not mere points ,they are instants one closely approaching the other
I want an answer
But wen?
But where?
But how?
By whom?
I simply don’t know!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is this me or is this the call for a change!?

Now finally time to compose some stuff about the place of my 3^rd year internship (NCL,pune).I am sitting in my lab and it’s lunch time going on. Here I must mention that it’s not my sincerity that is making me stick to my office but the pathetic lunch that is offered here.We finish it in 15minutes and then rush to our AC offices.The work that has been offered is pretty good ,of my liking at least. It involves sitting all day in front of computer and modeling and simulating reactors. The project has now started.

The campus at NCL is beautiful with lot of greenery around. My guide is also a real nice person with with enthu at 100% be it work or arbit baikat and a real helping person also.

I stay near this campus only in a 1 room flat and share it with 2 other people.It’s fun to be living on your own and managing everything though at times it is repulsive also ,for eg when you want to have some leisure time but you cant do that because you have to wash clothes (oh I hate that so much) or go to market place to get stuff for home but in all it’s good. I wish some of best pals were also here.

About Pune, though I have not seen most of it but it is a quiet place as compared to Delhi, the weather especially is pretty good, no skin burning heat strokes to my delight.But the traffic sense of people here makes me scream.

Weekends till date have been good , with one at my friend’s sister’s place and the next in Bombay with my cousin and friends.

One thing I like about these days that time during working days really flies fast. And that’s good also to keep me occupied.

That’s all what I have seen till date over here…..lets see what days to come have in store for me.

I saw light glowing from a point

And I lived it and I loved it

But this light was not the mark of a morning

It diminished and went off

And I could not stop it

I could not do anything

Now all that is left is the point itself

And a hope that there will be light again

And now I am living in that hope and I am loving it

A moment of happiness
A cherished smile
I was yearning for
I was searching for
It came in a form ,I never anticipated
And the lost glow was there all again.
I don’t why it is there or the reason for it
May because I want it and it knows this now. :)

The movie “LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL”
“ There are some people in your life ,you really can’t live without and one should never loose them at any cost .Coincidences can sometimes really make life beautiful“

One more BHM Nite, but yet the most different of it’s kind. Again the same enthusiasm ,same cheering of the hostels after getting the trophy. But yeah different for me as this time one of the trophies had my decision linked with it , the BSW trophy. This nite in some sense marked the official end of a term of responsibilities, decision making , management of a thing called post . What has not ended is the association linked with and the sense of responsibility towards it and can never end also at least not so soon.

I am at this point of time only wondering at the hue and cry I faced from so many people in the last one month and the way I handled it. Everybody needed my explanation on even petty things which literally psyched me so much but then I soon realized that this was also a part of my responsibility , from that moment I developed a sense of appreciation for views expressed both in favor of my working policies and also those that were against them. A strong impulse rose within me to go into the depth of each criticism and appreciation, may be I was searching for the level of my perfection. This was the second most critical period I faced during my term.

The first was the starting month when I started with my work, it was critical because everything was new to me be it the extent , the nature or the environment. I started from the root level of each thing and tried to develop a command. And I really enjoyed after that, all of this became a part and parcel of my life, an integral one.

Life really reverses and in a real magnificent manner. The same one month reversed back in the end . The first one demanded learning of management and the final one demanded an explanation of the same. I felt the same kind of frustration ,tensions and eagerness to prove myself, whether I did or not is for others to decide. But what I see today is that I have changed a lot in many cases for the better and in many cases for not so much better, may be some of these changes are temporary and will cease soon. I have left many things behind and really want to regain at least some of them.

But then as I always say ,this is life and it can''t be the same forever.

Moments when you had tears and no one else
And then moments when even they leave you apart
Is it the beginning of a solution
Or an end of the problem at all!!

Crossroad!!!!

Standing on the crossroad of my life
Staring at the four directions there

The way back is what I have already lived
A little better and a little not so better than the present
But I know I can’t go back again even if I want to
And I don’t even want to
But that is all what I have

The way on my left is what I have already left by choice
The reasons for leaving it are not clear to me or
Because my limits can’t be extended there

The way on my right does not seem right to me
And something within me stops my steps

The way ahead is all that is ahead of me
And that is where I want to go
But I don’t know how
The destination and it’s way is a mere dream
But that is all I want to love and cherish…….